"It's the story of my life, really: trying to figure out how to get where I want to go when just getting out the door seems impossible." --Chris Hadfield
2021 was marked by the anniversary of the pandemic lockdown, and just when I thought
I had hit the peak of being stressed and sleepless from 2020, this year served up a fresh alphabet soup lockdown buffet. If my sleep had been fragmented last year due to anxiety, this year it was in pieces that barely helped my mental state, creating a loop guaranteed to make me and anyone around me miserable.
In the first quarter of the year, I got by on two or four hours' worth of sleep, feeling like it would be a matter of time before COVID-19 would infect me. Despite being able to work from home, there would be times when I would need to go to my office --a prospect that terrified me, despite the health precautions I would take. It didn't help discovering that two colleagues had become sick, acquiring the coronavirus from an in-office encounter with a third party.
As it turned out, I was infected in another way: with fear, the insidious kind that threatens to cripple you. The kind that prevents you from going out for a simple walk (which was a source of joy), as if the coronavirus was lurking out there, waiting to snatch whatever peace of mind I had left. And it didn't help that
I felt the weight of certain responsibilities weighing heavily on me.
My non-working sleepless hours were spent trying to tire myself out, or doing what I thought would be productive projects --like dabbling in baking a cake using a rice cooker. Or making cold brew coffee.
While the products weren't spectacularly awesome, I could at least eat/drink something in the dead of night or early dawn.
Trying to call the helpline indicated on my HMO card proved futile, as it seemed that it was perpetually swamped with other callers. Fortunately, a good friend concerned about my mental health offered to sponsor a session with a reputable psychiatrist, and I figured by this time I had nothing to lose except my sanity.
The doctor who heard my case was compassionate, humorous, and matter-of-fact, prescribing medication that would address the anxiety. And in the days that followed, adjusting to the meds, I decided to take some half-days off. It was like I had acquired insulation for the raw and exposed electricity of emotions triggered by stress and anxiety that had previously gone haywire. Best of all, I was able to sleep --a minimum of six hours, a maximum of eight. After three weeks, my dosage has been scaled down upon the advice of my doctor, and I'm able to do without them on weekends. In the end, I might even be able to do without them altogether.
I was lucky to get the help I needed, and probably just in time.
One of my inspirations for finally getting the help I needed was a friend named Karen, who passed away earlier this year due to COVID-19. During one of the online get-togethers/memorials held in her honor, people reminded each other to be as brave and gusty as she was, to live her life/truth as she did. She was no stranger to struggle, and fought tooth and nail to be able to enjoy life, bravely seeking qualified help when she needed it. A friend designated by Karen to give away her books in the event of her passing posted the collection, stipulating that each person was entitled to one book.
At this point in time, I'm vaccinated (yes, I was able to conquer my fear of getting out of the house to get shot #1, and am due for the next in mid-July), and while it will take some time for me to get over my pandemic fears, I'm just going to take things a day at a time --or even a half-day at a time if I have to. The light at the end of the tunnel might be closer than I think it is, but in the meantime I'm going to do something I haven't been able to do in some time: dream (literally and figuratively).
And hope.
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This story is an entry to ComCo Southeast Asia’s “Write to Ignite Blogging Project Season 2: Dear Survivor”. The initiative continues to respond to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis. The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. The “Write to Ignite Blogging Project” Season 2 is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, with Eastern Communications and Jobstreet as co-presenters, with AirAsia and Xiaomi as major sponsors, and with Teleperformance as sponsor.
